taking one day at a time

Hello

Remember me ............hope so

A big Thankyou to everyone who has sent me emails and left messages here on my blog asking about me is much appreciated.
I wont go into all the details but I have had a breakdown.....life just got too much , trying to cope with all the emotional pressures got the better of me...the ME today isnt a 100% but am positive and am just taking one day at a time......as for the weight loss well its on hold as far as focussing on it daily but in having said that no damage has been done just staying the same for the time being.

Anyway just letting you all know whats been happening, will try and be in touch soon ..cant promise but will try

Love Em x

No more Tippy Toes

You know what ...well besides thinking I am going mad... I have realised that I dont really have a lot of support here around me, close by me.... I do have a wonderful man who is suportive but am really struggling with not having him around and am bottling a lot of feelings and emotions up inside me as I dont want to be in tears everytime I talk to him on the Phone.....
I dont have that friend who will come walking with me....I have those friends that say to me Em you look great the way you are, dont know why you go on about this weight stuff....the ones who say yeah walking sounds good, Curves sounds good ....but never commit to anything .........I love them for who they are as I am sure they do me but am going to have to learn the lesson again and that is to rely on me, find that inner strength that will support me when the obstacles and hurdles appear because they will appear ... I am so sick of having a few great days then blowing the next few .......working my butt out exercising only to go and have a pigfest..........what is the good of that...........once upon a time while ever I exercised my eating was under control..now that isnt as concrete as it once was and that scares me.......

Have a few ideas.....firstly I need to learn to cope with my stress in a productive way..secondly when I start to fumble and feel like I am falling I am going to think of you all ....
LEE-ANNE......JEN.....CHRIS.....ZANNA...SUZIE.....I am going to lean on you all..think of you all at different times and draw on your strengths to help me ...hope you dont mind but this may just work.......

Anyway have TAFE again today........

Take care..

Em xx

I am Spoilt

I havent been around since Wednesday because my internet connection decided to go on a holiday grrrrrrrrr was finally fixed late Friday......

DF came home this weekend so we have been out shopping he finally got a bonus from work that was due to him back in January better late then never .......feel so spoilt after having oodles of money spent on myself and the girls. ....I got a new Doona cover from Target originally $89.00 down to $25.00....... Wests Tigers Pyjamas oh yeahhhhhh.......... pr of jeans.....jumper..new joggers......girls got some playstation games and some books and last but not least I now have one of the lovliest gardens in my street thanks to new soil and lots of new plants am so happy after spending the afternoon in the garden........

Back to TAFE tomorrow..am looking forward to it in one respect...hope Miss 22 will be alright here at home at least Miss 21 will be here until lunch time........is a worry leaving her on her own

Was just the battery in my car so that was a relief

Exercise has been pretty good..eating well not so good.....tomorrow being back at TAFE might be a blessing in disguise as sometimes one can have too much time on their hands and boredom can set in ....which might result in eating a little more than one would like to BUT one has to learn to deal with that so that is no EXCUSE...........weekend was good stayed within my points so maybe there will be some sort of loss to report tomorrow...

Hope everyone has had a lovely weekend...catch up soon

Em x

OMG its Cold

I am freezing.......... I hate to think what Winter is going to be like , we had minus 2 here overnight .........I have lived here for almost 7 years and when I first moved here lots of people said to me the summers are very hot and the winters freezing....well have experienced the hot summers , the first summer here was a killer.....have experienced some cold winters but the locals inform me I havent experienced anything yet......so the talk around town at the moment is because we had a very mild Summer that Winter will be back to the worst ever .............so maybe I will live through the minus 6 or 7 or god forbid even lower brrrrrrrrrrrrrr might need to invest in some long johns haha

Porridge was on the breakfast menu again today.......yesterday was a very successful day ended up using 1,987 calories and used 19 WW points.......think thats pretty ok, not sure how many calories 19 points are but roughly estimating what I ate think im well on track.

Taking the girls to school , then off to Curves....

Later am taking my daughter to make some appointments.....needs to be done today as she is starting to say its not important......but I know it is important so thats priority for today..after we do all that I will take her out for lunch........go pay for some items I bought off Ebay.....then we might go OP shopping , havent been OP shopping for ages, sometimes you can find some real good stuff that people dont want anymore....

Might be back later with some news ..not sure


Back............well guess what my car wouldnt start this morning.....so cold I think the battery has given out .......so miss 14 took miss 10 to school for me then went to school herself and miss 22 and I walked down town then walked home again..didnt get everything done that I wanted to but the exercise would have been good so there is a positive.....am yet to go to Curves will go this afternoon, have a friend and her hubby coming to look at my car around 4 ish so will grab a lift to Curves then.....she said she will go do some shopping while I am there then come pick me up .....so good having great friends :)
Hope it is just the battery .........calories burned so far today are 1,947

My First Award

I received a very nice award from the lovely Zanna ......thankyou really made me smile...am going to follow Chris H and give this award to all the lovely people who read my blog, have done for so long and show genuine care and friendship...thankyou :).....
I also received this award from the lovely Chris H :)















Dont you just love Porridge, well I do, really enjoyed my breakfast this morning.....



DF bought me a heart rate monitor/calories so far have burnt 1000 calories, just from walking and 30 mins on my bike....pretty happy with that, still have 60 mins left to do on bike, plus everday stuff..even tho I work on the WW points system still kewl to see exactly what I burn to what I eat each day.....going to take it to curves with me tomorrow see how much energy I use there.


Went shopping, got some great bargains.....I love cows so you can imagine when I found two cow cookie jars for $5.95 I grabbed them......bought some new socks, new joggers, and a new jumper from Target...had a skim hot choc...a few chats to people I havent seen in a while then came home......was a really nice morning......must really think about TAFE though cant put this off for any longer........

Hope your day has been great....catch you all soon
Em x

Monday, Monday

Have made a small change, went to curves today and was told that because I am working both upper and lower body at curves that it might not be a good idea to concentrate on lower body of a Tuesday, Thurs and Sat unless I do a low impact session.....I want to give it all I have so will do lower body on the same day as upper body to keep in line with Curves...Tues, Thurs and Sat will focus on cardio...Bike, Rowing, and maybe even drag out the treadmill ( god I hate the treadmill ).

So I went to Curves, gees it felt good to be back........have also done 60 minutes on the home gym plus 30 mins on Bike..am feeling really good..nah am feeling fantastic actually........eating is good, made some homemade vegie soup and some low fat muffins so planning ahead which always makes life easier.

Winter has certainly shown face here today, bitterly cold wind blowing all day and the forecast is 1 degrees tonight, feels like that now so wouldnt be surprised if we dont hit the minus at some point in time overnight.


Girls are back to school tomorrow ...yippeeee , they both are itching to go back which is good. I am going to do some more cooking and go for a walk around the shops on my own .........just enjoy the peace and quiet and re energise both my mind and body altho theres nothing like a good day of exercise to do that for you.

Hope everyone is well...catch you all soon

Em xx

To give up blogging ...is the question??

I was seriously considering giving up blogging this weekend......lots of reasons why ....my blog is pretty boring no pictures of my family or anything really....lately its been a downer, full of here we go agains...excuses......feeling sorry for myself.....too hard on myself...etc etc etc. I am just physically and emotionally exhausted, just getting over this damn flu finally been 2 weeks, dont feel like I have even had a holiday from TAFE, havent been to Curves for almost 3 weeks... lots of things going through my mind...failure.......hopeless.....

Decision....am not going to give up blogging am going to try and blog everyday, just to keep myself accountable.....am going to take a week off TAFE, try and get myself back into a positive frame of mind and really cant deal with TAFE at present.....just need some ME time BIG time...and of course support my daughter and my other 3 girls so there just isnt room for TAFE at present. Sometimes I wish DF was here with us, be so nice to lean on him for a little while , sometimes I just wish I didnt have to be so strong......maybe we need to really think about moving sooner rather than later.... is such a hard decision to make....girls are happy at school, have made some really good friends, last thing I want is to rock their world so to speak.....maybe a family talk in a few weeks time, get their opinion and ideas on it all.

Tomorrow is a new day...weigh day is now Mondays..am going to record my results each week on my blog.....am going to tell you about my ups and downs, might be the only way to lose this weight once and for all....

ANZAC DAY

The Ode

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

The Ode comes from For the Fallen, a poem by the English poet and writer Laurence Binyon and was published in London in The Winnowing Fan: Poems of the Great War in 1914. This verse, which became the Ode for the Returned and Services League, has been used in association with commemoration services in Australia since 1921.

We have just come home from the March here in Tamworth ....





I want to thank all of you ..you have no idea how much reading your supportive comments have meant to me..........I have been deeply touched to know that you all care so much.........my daughter is home here with me, the past few days have been a bit rocky but with our love and support hopefully she will be fine. She has to go see a Psychologist here, the Psychiatrist said he didnt feel she had a mental illness but that she did need to learn to talk, so this is a step in the right direction at long last.
Without going into too much detail, it all erupted due to the length of what her ex boyfriends
family went too over the week leading to her being admitted..... they blame my daughter for him being in prison and all the problems he has and my daughters supposedly friend who she now finds out is visiting him in jail told him that my daughter didnt have a miscarriage those months ago , that she gave birth to a baby two weeks prior and then the baby was lost. This resulted then in him telling the welfare officer at the jail who then reported it to DOCS who came and interviewed my daughter last Friday morning ( morning of her being admitted). The police were called and after my daughter was assessed and interviewed , she then had to have ultra sounds, all her medical records were sought and she was cleared of all the allegations. She also was informed that his mother posing as me had presented at a number of local hospitals with a young girl posing as my daughter looking for the baby . His mother even tried to see my daughter last Saturday while she was still in the mental health unit posing as me.

UNBELIEVABLE is a mild word to use

Like I said that was without going into too much detail so you can imagine how awful it was for her..

Hope everyone has a lovely long weekend..

Love Em xx

I need someone

Hello

I am numb, heartbroken, dont know what the future will hold, scared,the list can go on and on


Yesterday I received a phone call to say my eldest had been admitted to the mental health ward...suicidal...today she will be assessed by a psychiatrist............tears are pouring atm for my little girl ...I know she is 22 but she is my little girl ...I havent been able to reach out to her for so long....have tried and tried..... I realised a very long time ago that she needed help..hopefully this will be the breaking point where she finally gets the help she needs.She sent me a text last night saying she loved me and she wished she had of listened.....replied I love you and am always here for you... waiting to see whether I will go down and bring her home.......
On top of that my week has been shit, have had the flu, still have the flu, feel so run down ,no energy at all, am so behind in everything, exercise, study, assignments, but I guess what is happening with my daughter makes me and my woes seem pretty damn nothing......

Have been reading just not commenting.........please dont give up on me as I wont give up on me, hopefully will be back in to the swing of it all soon

Thanx for reading..hope you dont mind but I needed to air this and think of you all as my friends

Take care
Em x

Lost

Hey all

I have been reading..keeping in touch with what you are all up to in your worlds....just am very lost atm...cant explain how I feel other than that..............had three really bad days with eating and exercise..........really struggling atm...dont want to revert back, cant revert back, just need to find the old Em once again.....how many times can one keep coming back......anyways just to let you know

Have a great week ....will be around ....in the distance

Em

Step Forward Challenge Ends

Well yesterday was the last day of my steps forward Challenge with Mike...... out of the 60 days I stepped forward and stayed within my points for that day 59 times..am really happy about this achievement..............Measurements in total for the 60 days come to a total of 50 cms gone..scales well you will have to wait for that as my neighbour has been away for over a week , due back next week so will weigh myself then.





Whats news .....



Well eldest daughter is comig up this afternoon to spend a week here, she decided to come up for her sister's 21st this Thursday ..am so glad she made that decision.......hopefully we can have some her and I time and sort some stuff out..fingers crossed on that one



Miss 10 entered some of her art work in the Show and came third overall ........how proud is mum ??? Very proud let me tell you .....she has a nice ribbon and award which she has been showing everyone possible and why shouldnt she is a fantastic effort.



Next week she will performing in front of the whole school with her dance group , first big performance she has been involved in since being with this group at school.... normally she has only been involved in Drama.. but this year wanted to do dancing and learn to play the guitar....definately the performer here :)

Anyways hope everyone has had a gr8 weekend .......

Em

Taking some time out

Sorry I havent been around...did catch up with everyones blogs yesterday , will drop bye later and say hello

Do you ever feel like you just need time away, time away from everything, to think, focus and hopefully come up with some answers?

I did and that is what I did for over a week......cut myself off from the net, friends, went to tafe , didnt really mix with my friends just got the job done so to speak, came home of course looked after the girls but my free time I spent exercising, going to Curves, walking, biking, you name it I worked myself hard and did some long hard thinking...... I have had some really tough obstacles thrown at me lately, dont get me wrong I know we all do and what doesnt break us only makes us stronger, on the surface I seemed pretty good but I knew deep down that I was cracking.... so my answer was to exercise and then do some thinking...strange perhaps but it has worked and at the end of the day is all that matters.

Anyways thats the long n the short of my absence

I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter......we went to the Chinese festival at Nundle on Saturday..was such a nice day weather wise and I really enjoy this festival, is much better then the country one we have in Jan I reckon..... I bought some cows ...I love cows have cows galore in my kitchen.......Easter bunny was alive and well ....well he wasnt too bad he only brought me a small box of milk tray chocolates 12 in the box and I did share them so all was good.........I believe that Easter is once a year , a few chocolates are not going to make you gain kilos....

Ok must run ..assignment to do..

Em x

seeing red

I just finished reading someone's blog , where she went on to tell how her doctor had said things to her, wont go into detail as it is her story, her blog but it made me see farking red........last week I went to a new dr as my old dr had moved to Canberra, right from the moment I walked into her room she was negative and cold........after weighing me, measuring me, calculating my bmi, all of which I could have told her she went on to suggest I have surgery WTF, then came the lecture of how I am a walking candidate for everything you name it she said it....gees I know I am overweight, I weighed 96 kgs on her scales but to suggest surgery just blew me away taking my self esteem with it. I went on to tell her that I had got down to 75 kgs but before I could say anything else she went on her soap box again about the why I gained and might as well said I was a pig, I am sure this woman who calls herself a dr was sitting there with visions of me stuffing my face hour after hour day after day till I gained this weight as she said this is more the reason for you to consider surgery, yeah I know what your thinking have surgery and you wont be able to stuff yourself......BITCH .Where is the support, the understanding, ok I need to loose weight, I am achieving this, I am exercising, if you dont want to be a dr to me then bye as I wont be coming back....to top all this off I had a pap smear and when I was about to leave she handed me the pathology bag and said to me when I do pap smears I also check for clamydia WTF......
I didnt have the slightest concern I had this but my thoughts were how dare you test for something without asking me, is it not a patients right to be told this, then also their right to say yes or no apparently not with this dr...... I went and paid the account, when I rang for my results today I told her I wouldnt be coming back and the reasons why, her responce this is entirely your choice....yep exactly my choice and I am making it.

Anyway my rant ...have a great weekend all
Em x

Filling in the gaps

Hi

Seems like I am getting really slack with my blog at the moment..another week has passed

On the weight front , well I weighed myself again at my neighbours house and this week showed a loss of 1.2 kgs..this is good, have decided might weigh regularly but am not going to jump up and down if they say I have gained etc , as I will know the reasons why and if its because I chose to go off the rails then I will have to be accountable for that and pay the price.I am up to day 43 in the step forward challenge, am feeling good and proud to have come this far :).

I went to Curves last Thursday, was made feel very comfortable indeed, explained how everything works, given a trial run and I decided to join up....I have heard comments like its boring after a while the same thing etc but I feel that anything can become boring and I feel the key is to make it work for you, and am a firm believer you only get back what you give and I am determined to give it all I have got. I have been twice now and am enjoying it...

Was my eldest daughters birthday last Friday, she was 22, sadly though she didnt come home for her birthday and sadly again I dont think she will even make the trip for Easter or her sister's 21st early April.....want to reach out and help her see the light so to speak but am afraid that I cant do a damn thing just be here if she needs me.

While on the birthday front my 3rd daughter turned 14 today........she got a new mobile phone and money so far and we are just having a quiet family dinner tonight with cake (of course )....will be having a small piece.


Catch up real soon

Em x

Hanging on

Hi All

I am still here , just havent posted for a while...........where do I start

Ok well I have had 2 sessions with the psychologist now and am feeling really positive...things are going well with that... am dealing with the blaming myself for my daughter and all the other drama the past few months has delivered.

On the job front I didnt get the job, went for the medical last Friday , more like a fitness test than a medical , was very invasive and their report said that I was unfit to lift heavy....dont know where the heavy lifting comes into it anyway as its against the organisations policies and procedures to manually lift any clients, another thing that bugs me is after each assessment that the girl got me to do she gave me positive feedback; said things like your quite strong, that was great etc ...anyway bottom line was no..when the supervisor rang me to tell me she was so god damn patronising...said I dont know how to tell you this, I ve got bad news , how do I tell you ...gees you dont need to be a rocket scientist to see that she was going to say you didnt pass your fitness test, she went on and on ...I said just tell me (for fucks sake under my breath)..to say I was upset would be a understatement...I had my cry then decided to turn it into a positive ..the positive for me an appointment tomorrow with curves and a gym,......... I owe myself to give myself the best chance I can ..so will seek out both and then make a decision....

Got to tell you this though am busting here lol ..measured myself last Saturday...have lost 33 cms in 1 month with measuring my waist, hips, thighs and chest.......:)

On the home front weekend was pretty full on, was our local show so we took the girls on Saturday afternoon for a few hours ......gained an addition to the family or should I say follyfoot farm as we already have 2 dogs, 1 cat, 1 bird, 10 goldfish, 2 hermit crabs, 2 guinea pigs now we have a little rabbit, she is gorgeous and so friendly :) Sunday we went for a picnic , weather was lovely, we really had a mild summer this year .

Will be around over the next day or so ...hope all is well

Em x

UPDATE: Weighed myself at neighbours house .....well what can I say am a glutton for punishment but alas this week showed a loss of 2 .7 kgs woooo hooooo

Wasnt too impressed with the gym ...appointment at curver is 5 30 this arvo ..see what thats like

Can I sleep today away

Hello



I am having a very down day today....yesterday I had a headache all day , couldnt seem to shift it and last night it was practically unbearable .......probably stress related although it felt like a migraine...can stress bring on migraines??



I weighed myself this morning next door and the bloody scales said I had gained 1 1/2 kgs.......tears how could I have gained ..ive been eating well never going over my points and have been doing a minimum of 60 mins of exercise each day some days 120 mins so what more can I do ....my clothes are getting bigger, will take my measurements this weekend which will bring up 1 month since I first took them so will see what the tape measure says ..as for the scales am not going near them , I allow them to play with my mind and when the mind is against you its hard yakka.



I have my medical on Friday...I know this is playing a major role in my stress levels atm........am really fearful that the physio place will report back to the organisation that I am overweight and unfit to work there............but I am not going to run away like I have done in the past I will turn up for the medical and face the music ..thats a good thing isnt it ???



I have my first appointment with the psychologist on Thursday.........so as you can see a lot is happening here atm....am feeling a little overwhelmed, still got a bit of a headache and really just want to go to bed and sleep ...but I wont ...think I might go for a look around the shops





Anyway

Catch up

Hello ...hope everyone is well

I cant believe its been a week since I last updated ..things have been very busy in my world.

Firstly I received 12 lovely red roses all boxed from DF for valentines day ..they were so gorgeous, probably only got a couple of more days of life left in them now though :(

I received a phone call from where I did my work placement on Thursday afternnon so Friday I went down and saw the team leader, we had a chat and she gave me all the paperwork to fill out so looks like work will be coming through in the next few weeks..they seem happy to work around TAFE and have offered me weekend and holiday work for the time being which suits me...only hiccup

I have to go for a medical.......I cringed when she said this to me.....all these thoughts came to mind SCALES being the no1 on my list .......since Friday this worry has been in the back of my mind..what if they say I am too fat to work there......what if they take one look at me and think omg how fat is she .......I hate feeling like this and worrying about it..there is nothing I can do will have to go for it and hope for the best ..have no idea what they do or dont do .


Miss 13 has been getting a few babysitting jobs which is wonderful for her, gives her a sense of independance and has helped my bank balance :) or should that be lack of bank balance mmm lol

TAFE has been really full on ...this year is going to be huge, we still havent been given anymore information on these projects. ..hopefully that will be next week

On the weight front ..didnt weigh in this week so cant report any figures..am on day 23 of steps forward.....still eating well and exercising, still drinking my 4 litres of water a day and still smiling about it all so thats a good thing.....went out and bought book 3 and 4 of STGTBT..had book 2 and intend to get 1 and 5 ..I find them great value....
Take care
Em x

Happy Valentines Day

Happy Valentines Day ...hope you all have a lovely day x

I weighed myself yesterday at my neighbours house, she is a big fan of the scales I am not as you all know but she said to me that I need to know where I am at for points reasons if nothing else ...mmmmm in a way I guess she is right anyway did the scale bit and lost 2 kgs ......pretty happy with that although probably the majority was because I was sick for almost 3 days......bottom line being I have now stepped forward for 16 days today being the 17th day....clothes are definately getting bigger on me, not as much around the middle area as I would like though but thats always the last part for me...soon I will be able to fit into my clothes in wardrobe no 2 the ones that have been hanging for so long it isnt funny.....never will I gain this weight again... this time its for keeps.

No TAFE until Monday ..no assessments as yet so the weekend is looking pretty good...will take advantage of the weather and do something with the girls..thats the plan :)

Take care

Em x

Feeling much better today

I am feeling much better today..... slept last night for some ungodly number of hours but was up at 5 30 this morning and back exercising .......this is the way I like it :)

Didnt weigh myself today ..scales have had it...like I said am not going to go and buy a new set , will weigh myself at some point in time at someones house or at the shopping centre one Friday night ....am onto day 15 of stepping forward ........so alls great on the weight loss front, well it should be hey.

Tafe is back and dont we know it......isnt going to be any easier as far as the work load goes this year..haha silly me for even uttering such ridiculous words but will be worth it in the long run..... We arent going to do 240 hrs of work placement in term 4 like previous years, we are going to do something completely different and new...... we are going to be put into groups of 3 and we are going to pilot a program..start from scratch and get to the point of where the program can be implemented for the Smith Family ...sounds really exciting and scary at the same time

The rain is back ....everything is so lovely and green, we have had more rain the past 2 weeks then we have had in the 7 years I have lived here ...unbelievable .......the dam that provides Tamworth is almost 80% full , is even talk about lifting water restrictions, personally I hope they dont act too liberal and re introduce sprinklers again , well at least not for the moment as we all know from the past it can change pretty quickly and we dont want to get back to the lows we had not so long ago of 17%

Tomorrow Kevin Rudd ( Australian Prime Minister) will say "sorry " to the Indigenous people.......this is the main topic of conversation and debate atm.....by the end of the week am sure I will be so over hearing about it...... personally my concern is what level of compensation will come from it..time will tell

Take care
Em x

Mixed Bag

I spent most of the weekend sick......every time I ate something I was sick .....felt very weak and had the sorest throat from being sick not good ...

Today was my first day back at TAFE........really struggled, feel really weak, had a light salad lunch and have managed to keep this down ...went to have dinner tonight and just dont feel like it ..did manage to do 30 mins of exercise this morning....hope all is well , will try and catch up soon ..for now I am off to bed ...cya
Em x

It's Friday

This week has gone too quick ....I go back to TAFE next Monday ..... have mixed emotions here, I need to finish what I started for me, the diploma is what I need and want to get .......guess its just a bit of nerves going back hopefully all will be fine once I am there.........The work I was offered after placement will probably come sometime in March now , they are having major changes with location etc so I will wait and see what hours im offered then decide whether I need to continue my study by flexilink and work part time.

Girls are enjoying school , Miss 10 is learning to play the guitar this year, she has her swimming carnival today so will be joining her mid morning...miss 13 had her first babysitting job last night, she was excited.She is so keen to work but she isnt 14 until March and for most places that is too young, you have to be 14 and9 mths....she was paid $10 an hour so was very pleased :).

On the weight front, things couldnt be going any better...am exercising, eating really well, drinking my 4 litres of water with no problems ( actually love the stuff ) and am feeling really wonderful have so much energy. Mike ( WW forums ) and I have decided to pair up for the Challenge I set myself, he is keen to do this with me so now it has become the 60 day challenge .... is really great having his support and if he can step forward for 60 days he has a real great chance of reaching goal ...how awsome that would be for him :)

The weekend is almost here...DF will be here this afternoon which is great, seems like forever since I have seen him :)....Sunday his parents and brother are coming up for the day so will be good to see them again.....have lunch in control instead of going out I am just going to make a nice chicken salad .

Hope everyone has a great weekend
Em x

If I didnt laugh id cry

As you all know today is Tuesday which means its time to weigh myself ..well that I did this morning and they revealed 175 kgs .......yes without a word of a lie that is what they said to me.....I hopped off and back on them to reveal 156 , all I could do was laugh ...better than crying .....what to do what to do .....well decided I would go to my next door neighbour to weigh myself, she thought it was very funny but went on to tell me that maybe it has something to do with all the rain as mine are digital ..... personally am not too sure about that one but never mind her scales showed 99.5 which I have recorded as my official weight....

As today has gone on I have been thinking about the minor panic attack I had, the I must weigh myself mentality NOW, TODAY not TOMORROW... I have decided that if my scales are going to play funny buggers with me that I dont need them....if it turns out they are stuffed for want of a better word then I will not be rushing out to replace them.........I know I am exercising, eating well, weighing and counting points so at the end of the day alls good.......I have never been a fan of the scales probably cause of my fluid retention problem...for me the tape measure has always been a better option..yes its great when you see the numbers go down but I feel that I need not to rely on what they say for motivation...this is a lifestyle change ..one that is here for keeps..I know what to do...I know not what to do( learnt that one in a big way ..gaining almost all I had lost ) and to be frankly honest the "one step forward challenge" I have set myself is the best motivation tool I have used....... to know each day you are stepping forward not back is such an incentive to keep on going........

Have a great day

Em x

Monday

My weekend was really quiet but very nice, had a girlfriend and her two girls come around Saturday afternoon ....was great catching up with her hadnt realised I hadn't caught up with her for nearly 2 months ..Where does the time go ?? Exercise and ate well for Saturday

Sunday was much the same, watched a couple of dvds with my girls, it was raining here and I found myself sitting on the lounge looking out the window at the rain falling ...was such a peaceful time ....not a worry in the world just looking at the rain

Today is day 7 of steps forward...... just taking one day at a time , not looking at the big picture as each day forward is a step towards goal. Weigh day tomorrow , regardless of what the scales say I am eating healthier, exercising and feeling good .......so all will work out at the end of the day.....

Miss 13 is home in bed, woke up this morning with the vomits ...poor baby..... I have been and had my hair cut and eyebrows done...made an appointment for Thursday to have my hair coloured ...comes in handy having a friend who is a hairdresser :)

Hope all is well

Em x

Meet Mike ...well Mike's Mathematical Theory

Now I did some easy maths. And knowledge is power.Sometimes we can excuse ourselves if we lose for two weeks then gain for one because we havent stayed focussed. But success builds confidence and confidence builds success. So I compared how much faster you lose weight by losing EVERY WEEK compared to losing for two weeks then gaining for one.well stand with someone and get one person to take two steps forward and one back, the other to take 3 steps forward. Do this 4 times (representing twelve weeks).One person has gone forward 12 steps, the other only 4 steps. lets call each step a kilogram. full focus = 12 kg. focus 2 weeks out of 3 = 4 kg.I have set only weekly targets of 1 kg. If I lose less its OK. But I dont want to go two steps forward and one back.
Mike

A big thankyou goes out to Mike ..this really makes sense and is a huge motivational key for me so I thought I would share it with all of you :).


I personally am on Day 4 of steps forward........exercise has been around the 60 minute mark everyday and eating has been spot on ...am feeling really vibrant..positive....happy.....even sexy haha. I discovered this body butter which enhances your natural tan so am looking rather coloured atm.......well being so fair its hard .

Girls went back to school...miss 10 couldnt wait was up and ready by 8 am .. she really loves school which is great. Miss 13 was keen to go back to but one has to wonder just how big of a part the "social scene " played in this .

Hope you all have a great weekend...... mine will be pretty quiet compared to last weekend...... just going to go and catch a movie with the girls........

Em xx

What one does on a Country Music Festival Long Weekend

Hello



I have had the busiest long weekend..must admit looking back its been a hell of a lot of fun and atm I am travelling pretty good.



Friday night I took the girls to see Kasey ......we met up with some friends and even tho I am not a huge fan of hers I have got to say that girl gives a great concert.......afterwards we went for a walk around the place looking at the carnival and I mean looking sheesh I am not paying $6 for a ride and $ 4. 50 for a single icecream cone .



Saturday morning sees us all up bright and early and off to see the cavalcade......most of the well known artists were on floats.. this year there were over 70 floats ...then we tackled the crowd and went and listened to some of the buskers..had some lunch and came home. Here are some pics from the cavalcade.... as you can see we live on the wrong side of town but to get across the street to the side they drove on sounds easy hey ?Not at all if you knew the drama to do that you would agree with me this side will do lol .Damn batteries went flat so couldnt take anymore ..really organised hey NOT... think miss 13 needs to check the date on her camera too lol

Lee Kernighan ( Aussie of the yr ) our N.S.W. Premier and the McClymonts
ohhh and the back of miss 10's head , the head next to her is of a 30 yr old lady just
shows how tall miss 10 is.

Troy Casser -Daley

Base Hospital Float

Saturday night I had a child free zone for a few hours so we used this to our advantage and went to see The Black Sorrows......absolutely fantastic..danced , sang, danced some more..all miss 13 could say the next morning was thank goodness I wasnt there ..sheesh how rude of her lol.... after the concert we went to the pub well we finally got into the pub after queuing up for 3o mins got to love festival time here .......decided to stay at the one pub tho , didnt much fancy the idea of the queue again....

Sunday I had a 40 th birthday to go to out of town ....was wonderful catching up with my TAFE friend and helping to celebrate her 40th ....... was child free again all night too wow that doesnt happen very often and have to thank miss 20 for this :)..was so wonderful to be able to spend the night with my DF without the girls came back very refreshed, tad tired from lack of sleep but very refreshed does this make sense ??

Have done a lot of thinking, analysing, and even though I still intend to see someone I do think I am doing rather well...have a lot of support in my DF..he is truly my best friend... this brings me to today exercise has been good, eating has been good and all in all am feeling strong and determined.............. DF had to go back early this morning , even though I hate it when he has to go back I am very thankful that he has been around a lot lately and am thankful just having him in my life , even if 4 hours away :) one should always appreciate what they have, not be sad over what they dont have my view anyway :)

Was so good catching up on all your news..hope you all have a fantastic week
Luv Em xx

Smiling

Hello

Today is Friday...girls go back to school next Wednesday/Thursday....... they are looking forward to going back ( as is mum lol ) I didnt say that ok :)...miss 10 goes into year 5 and miss 13 into year 9 wow where has the time gone hey.


Today we are going to have a look around at the festival.........from what I have heard it doesnt seem to be as big this year as previous, not as many people here apparently.....we normally get around 70 000 extra people during Country Music Festival.......whether you like country music or not the festival is definately an experience .........

Miss 10 wants to go see Kasey Chambers tonight...she always gives a free concert in the park which is pretty damn good of her really so we will be going to that around 5 ish.

As each day passes , I am feeling better and the pain is easing..... time is what its going to take but I know its going to be ok.......there are some incredible ladies out there in blogland..... truly inspirational , really has made me sit back, think and gain some positives ........

To hear the news of Heath Ledger , such a sad loss, so young, my heart goes out to his little girl , Michelle and his family.

To all the Aussies hope you have a great Australia Day ..... to my NZ friends have a great weekend
Em x

Home

Hey All

I am back home......holiday was relaxing, even though it rained some of the time...girls had a great time as we all did....shopping, seeing friends, went to the beach a couple of times.... very relaxing just what the dr ordered :).
Didnt get to see my parents or my brothers and their families....they have made their mind up that its my fault miss 21 is the way she is, some very hurtful things were said on their part to miss 20 which I see as being so wrong anyway, if they have a problem with me say it to me dont run me down or say stuff to my children.Miss 20 was so hurt by what was said to her that she cut her holiday (she was staying at their place) and came home before we left.
I have decided that they arent going to change....I keep allowing them to hurt me and boy could I fill you on some stuff they have done even to the extent of denying that my two younger children even exist to my uncles/ aunts etc all because I didnt marry their father.... I think the term my parents used once was "BASTARDS". Anyway I have shed enough tears, they are who they are I cant change that but I do have control over how much I let them into my life..... and am going to seek some professional help so that I can face this and everything else and move on to a happier healthier me :).

I weighed myself this morning and the scales say the same ...this is ok could be worse and say I've gained so am smiling and saying thank you :).

I am doing ok I think ...will definately still be blogging and trying really hard to continue this journey..am positive that my life will be much brighter now...sorry for being a downer again but it really helps airing it even if here.........

Will catch up really soon .....

Love Em

The past is just that its the present that counts if the future is to be brighter

Hi All

I just finished reading another blog...just a blog like all other blogs but in this blog a girl decided to unleash a secret..a secret that she had carried for a long time and now the future and the present is a whole lot brighter for this girl..this girl is now living.

Isnt that what life is all about ..living ..if I continue to think my world is ok, will be ok without really dealing with all my secrets then all im doing is merely surviving.

My world is a whole lot better than it has been in the past but its time for me to see a professional. I cant deal with everything that has happened in the past few weeks on my own anymore as to do that I am not being fare to my girls, my fiancee and certainly not to myself......am not embarrassed or ashamed to say I have seen a Psychologist before......surviving a very abusive relationship and finally having enough courage to leave even tho self esteem isnt in the vocabulary at this time.Seeing her made me discover that I am strong, the strength has always been there just hidden, it helped me to deal with what had happened, to move on, learn that to hate and carry anger towards him only gives him a degree of control over me still. I learnt to forgive him not so he could sleep at night but so I could..by seeing her I was able to in time meet my current man who is now my fiancee and have the strong relationship that we have today.

Anyway the past week has erupted more than I can deal with... not only finding out about the lies from a so called friend..yesterday I feel I lost my eldest daughter..... she has been lying also and has never stopped seeing or contacting her b/f. She had the charges dropped and somehow he escaped rehab,will never know the true story as she is the only one who can fill in the gaps and yesterday she told me she didnt need me and to never contact her again.There was a ring of I mean it this time to her voice, a coldness that I have never felt before . It has caused a wedge between my family, my parents, my brothers , family who dont seem to understand the concept of the word family

I am a survivor.......never a victim .......... but to be able to live and not just merely survive, the time has come to seek help again. I cannot loose this weight, be totally happy and alive successfully until I deal with all the hidden secrets, thoughts and feelings.

I am still going away, if my family dont want us there thats their choice, I will be staying with a friend , the younger ones and I will have a great time , even my fiancee will be joining us on Saturday........need a hug from him sometimes distance just sux.

Thanx to all who read this, sorry for being such a downer as far as blogs go recently but from now on there is the real hope that the future will be brighter.

Cya all when I get back ........
Take care
Luv Em xxxxxxxxxxx


UPDATE..... How wise are Children ? My 10 year old came out of her room and said Mum I want you to listen to this song, I know you will like it...she then began to play "one step forward " by HI -5......... it goes like this
" Don't be afraid to try something new..
Don't stop yourself from being you
If you cant do it this way
Then try another way
And keep on saying I can do
Dare yourself to jump up high
Take your feet off the ground
And reach for the sky

One step forward dont look back,
It won't take long till you're on that track
If you need a little help then I'm here for you
Keep on trying and you''ll get through. "

Gawd I love this kid :) just times like this reinforces the known hey

No Movement

Weighed myself today...no movement , stayed the same,I am not surprised.... since finding out about the biggest conman I have ever come across, my water intake has dropped dramatically. Yesterday I was so scared of eating and eating, altho I did turn a little to comfort food I was able to stop before any damage was done.
I will be damned if he is going to make me go back to old ways.

As for any sort of remorse Lee-Anne nope dont think so, he just virtually tried to lie his way out of it and even tried to insult my intelligence by saying I misunderstood him........yeah rite misunderstood him my ass.

I had asked him if he would be a character reference on my resume he said yes no problems put me down as a clinical psychologist...now he is saying he didnt say to do that....am over him will never contact him again as its a waste of time....he wouldnt know the truth if it fell over him .

Thanx Chris for such a quick comment..really helped a lot hugssssssss.

If anyone reads this and is scratching their head the previous post will explain it all.

Cant wait until Thursday am off on holidays for a week ...........relaxing, beaches, shopping, what more can a girl want hey :)

Will be around before I leave

Em xxx

Am I a Fool or what ?

Did you ever think you had a friend then find out that the whole friendship has been based on lies?
I did........I thought I had a friend, I thought he was a psychologist well he introduced himself as one to me and my family 15 mths ago......he was there for us at times and I really sought out his profession at times esp with TAFE and my crazy world . I found out by accident a few days ago that he isnt a psychologist at all .....NOPE , he just chose to say he was and pretend to listen and give options, said he was here for all of us. He lied about his profession, where he worked almost everything this man has said over the past 15 months has been lies.He made himself available to me as a friend but also as a psychologist someone who knew what he was doing and saying.I feel he has played with my mind, the impact of it all hitting me today........why.... what did he have to gain? I finally got him on the phone to see if he could tell me why he lied, his answer I dont know really was something that just got out of hand......... how fucking lovely is that.

Do I now need to seek out proof that everyone is who they say they are.......??? Do I loose faith in people in general ??
I feel like the biggest fool out...........
Please dont let me turn to food to get through this ...........HELP ............

there might be something in this after all

Hello all

Over the past couple of weeks I have been talking to some "experts " and doing a bit of reading, taking a bit from here and a bit from there and working on a plan for me and you know what I really think this could be the way for me. This week showed a loss of 2 kgs........I am not hungry, my fluid retention is much better, I have a lot more energy, am sleeping better, not doing much in the way of exercise and yet the kilos are dropping off.......and I am loosing it all over .......... so am definately going to continue what I am doing :)

I put my two bigger girls on the train this morning...one has gone back home , the other one for 2 weeks holidays .......ahhhhhhhhh am really looking forward to just the three of us for a week.

We are going on holidays next thursday, will be gone for 10 days........am really looking forward to the break away from here also.....be great to catch up with family and friends...didnt go back home much last year as tafe just seemed to consume me.

I have appplied for a few jobs, always have the offer from work placement to fall back on if I dont get a job so hopefully there will be some good news in that department too.


The hot weather has hit us again, cant really complain has been a pretty mild summer so far compared to the past few years.....just been doing things with the girls like movies ,ten pin, not a great deal to do here..this place absolutely sucks for things to do, never mind will be on the coast for good before we know it .

Hope all is good in your worlds.........be around to say hi very soon

Love Em xx

Happy New Year

Wishing you and your families all the best in 2008....may this year be the year for all of us in every aspect of our lives.

New year brings new beginnings and I am really feeling confident that this year I will get back to my goal weight..........I survived Christmas and the New Year in pretty good shape...didnt weigh myself last week so this week I had a 2.5 kg loss ...really think the water intake is working for me and I guess its like everything else when your on a good thing and something is working for you than stick to it....also cutting out and back on carbs such as bread and potato is really working for me too.......

I love my girls dearly but boy oh boy the two bigger ones well I am so over them.....they continually look to blame me for what is happening in their lives...they just cant see that it is their life ,their responsiblity as to how they live it and the decisions they make...sure the past wasnt so great at times but gees why make the present and future the bloody same...... at times I feel like I have to answer to them in almost everything I do ..awful thing to say here but I really wish the one that is living here would move out (awful mum hey )...as I said love them dearly but at times I dislike them totally.

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and New Year and I really am looking forward to sharing your journey again this year ....health, happiness and weight loss to all :)

Em xxx