The past is just that its the present that counts if the future is to be brighter

Hi All

I just finished reading another blog...just a blog like all other blogs but in this blog a girl decided to unleash a secret..a secret that she had carried for a long time and now the future and the present is a whole lot brighter for this girl..this girl is now living.

Isnt that what life is all about ..living ..if I continue to think my world is ok, will be ok without really dealing with all my secrets then all im doing is merely surviving.

My world is a whole lot better than it has been in the past but its time for me to see a professional. I cant deal with everything that has happened in the past few weeks on my own anymore as to do that I am not being fare to my girls, my fiancee and certainly not to myself......am not embarrassed or ashamed to say I have seen a Psychologist before......surviving a very abusive relationship and finally having enough courage to leave even tho self esteem isnt in the vocabulary at this time.Seeing her made me discover that I am strong, the strength has always been there just hidden, it helped me to deal with what had happened, to move on, learn that to hate and carry anger towards him only gives him a degree of control over me still. I learnt to forgive him not so he could sleep at night but so I could..by seeing her I was able to in time meet my current man who is now my fiancee and have the strong relationship that we have today.

Anyway the past week has erupted more than I can deal with... not only finding out about the lies from a so called friend..yesterday I feel I lost my eldest daughter..... she has been lying also and has never stopped seeing or contacting her b/f. She had the charges dropped and somehow he escaped rehab,will never know the true story as she is the only one who can fill in the gaps and yesterday she told me she didnt need me and to never contact her again.There was a ring of I mean it this time to her voice, a coldness that I have never felt before . It has caused a wedge between my family, my parents, my brothers , family who dont seem to understand the concept of the word family

I am a survivor.......never a victim .......... but to be able to live and not just merely survive, the time has come to seek help again. I cannot loose this weight, be totally happy and alive successfully until I deal with all the hidden secrets, thoughts and feelings.

I am still going away, if my family dont want us there thats their choice, I will be staying with a friend , the younger ones and I will have a great time , even my fiancee will be joining us on Saturday........need a hug from him sometimes distance just sux.

Thanx to all who read this, sorry for being such a downer as far as blogs go recently but from now on there is the real hope that the future will be brighter.

Cya all when I get back ........
Take care
Luv Em xxxxxxxxxxx


UPDATE..... How wise are Children ? My 10 year old came out of her room and said Mum I want you to listen to this song, I know you will like it...she then began to play "one step forward " by HI -5......... it goes like this
" Don't be afraid to try something new..
Don't stop yourself from being you
If you cant do it this way
Then try another way
And keep on saying I can do
Dare yourself to jump up high
Take your feet off the ground
And reach for the sky

One step forward dont look back,
It won't take long till you're on that track
If you need a little help then I'm here for you
Keep on trying and you''ll get through. "

Gawd I love this kid :) just times like this reinforces the known hey

No Movement

Weighed myself today...no movement , stayed the same,I am not surprised.... since finding out about the biggest conman I have ever come across, my water intake has dropped dramatically. Yesterday I was so scared of eating and eating, altho I did turn a little to comfort food I was able to stop before any damage was done.
I will be damned if he is going to make me go back to old ways.

As for any sort of remorse Lee-Anne nope dont think so, he just virtually tried to lie his way out of it and even tried to insult my intelligence by saying I misunderstood him........yeah rite misunderstood him my ass.

I had asked him if he would be a character reference on my resume he said yes no problems put me down as a clinical psychologist...now he is saying he didnt say to do that....am over him will never contact him again as its a waste of time....he wouldnt know the truth if it fell over him .

Thanx Chris for such a quick comment..really helped a lot hugssssssss.

If anyone reads this and is scratching their head the previous post will explain it all.

Cant wait until Thursday am off on holidays for a week ...........relaxing, beaches, shopping, what more can a girl want hey :)

Will be around before I leave

Em xxx

Am I a Fool or what ?

Did you ever think you had a friend then find out that the whole friendship has been based on lies?
I did........I thought I had a friend, I thought he was a psychologist well he introduced himself as one to me and my family 15 mths ago......he was there for us at times and I really sought out his profession at times esp with TAFE and my crazy world . I found out by accident a few days ago that he isnt a psychologist at all .....NOPE , he just chose to say he was and pretend to listen and give options, said he was here for all of us. He lied about his profession, where he worked almost everything this man has said over the past 15 months has been lies.He made himself available to me as a friend but also as a psychologist someone who knew what he was doing and saying.I feel he has played with my mind, the impact of it all hitting me today........why.... what did he have to gain? I finally got him on the phone to see if he could tell me why he lied, his answer I dont know really was something that just got out of hand......... how fucking lovely is that.

Do I now need to seek out proof that everyone is who they say they are.......??? Do I loose faith in people in general ??
I feel like the biggest fool out...........
Please dont let me turn to food to get through this ...........HELP ............